If you’re headed to “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” this weekend, be prepared for Johnny Depp in mascara, a tentacle-faced Davy Jones and – according to our expert’s scribbled tallies - 37 instances of violence, including a chase where characters “throw arrows and fruit,” a scene where natives “award man necklace of human toes,” and a “slap.” Not to mention two instances in which someone “shoots undead monkey.”

Or if you plan to see “You, Me and Dupree,” which opens July 14, you'll encounter “posterior nudity” and a fantasy sequence where “person imagines spouse in adulterous situation with Lance Armstrong offering encouragement.”

The Monitor has long prided itself on helping readers navigate the often choppy waters of modern pop culture. One way we do that here at Weekend is through our annual Mega Movie Guide. In addition to high-quality reviews by critic Peter Rainer, we also include, where we can, instances of sex/nudity; violence; profanity; and drug, alcohol, and tobacco use.

The man who provides us this valuable information is M.K. Terrell, armed with cuss counter and an eye for innuendo. We are constantly impressed with his degree of detail (and his ability to write in the dark). He won’t simply tell us that there are 25 instances of violence in "Little Man"; he’ll let us know that those include “man hit in groin” and “slap man, pour beer on him.” His distillation of complex scenes into their component parts creates its own form of poetry - and often brings smiles to his editors' faces. (I've seen "Pirates" and he's right: Fruit is used as a weapon and the monkey that is shot at is, indeed, "undead.")

While space doesn’t allow us to include all this information in the guide, we thought you’d be interested in seeing some examples of what we see. Here are samples from his reports filed over the past few months (with names of movies in parentheses):

The world of television has graduated some of cinema's biggest movie stars. Tom Hanks. John Travolta. George Clooney. Will Smith. Jim Carrey. Johnny Depp. Bruce Willis. Robin Williams. Ben Stiller. Jamie Foxx.

There's just one problem: They're all men.

Few, if any, established television actresses have transformed themselves from darlings of the Nielsens to darlings of the box office. True, Helen Hunt went from an Emmy Award winner to an Oscar winner. ("As Good As It Gets" may be an apt description of her film career based on her sparse filmmography since that Oscar magnet of 1997.) Meg Ryan and Demi Moore both started out in television, but neither was a name star until they had success on the big screen. So who's left? Sara Michelle Gellar may yet make the transition if her huge-grossing horror movie from 2004, "The Grudge," wasn't a one-off hit. Similarly, Jennifer Garner, formerly of "Alias" and "Felicity" may yet blossom into the next Julia Roberts if she can capitalize on the well-liked "13 Going on 30." That is, if she doesn't make further silly follow-ups, like the disastrous "Elektra." (Forget Halle Berry in "Catwoman or Jessica Alba in "The Fantastic Four"; you'd have to go as far back as Helen Slater in "Supergirl" to find a worse movie about a superheroine.)

Which brings us to Jennifer Aniston. This could be a make-or-break weekend for her. There's no doubt that she's a bona-fide magazine covergirl. But is she a movie star? Judging from the tepid response to her films since quitting her waitressing job at "Central Perk" (average tip: $1 million per "Friends" episode) the answer seems to be, at best, not yet. "Rumor Has It" that Aniston's film career has "Derailed" despite having "Friends with Money" to boast about.

This weekend, the face that launched a thousand hairstyles may be able to boast a sizable opening for her new movie, "The Break-Up." But is it even her movie? If anything, audiences may turn up for Vince Vaughn, who talks so fast that he should consider a career as a racetrack commentator or a role in an Aaron Sorkin show. If people aren't turned off by the reviews, they may also turn up out of curiosity about the chemistry between the off-screen couple. Or they may just buy the latest copy of People or US Weekly instead.

So why is it that TV actresses struggle to make it to the big screen? Is it just that are fewer meaty roles for women on the big screen? Maybe the small screen simply offers so many strong vehicles for leading women – "Desperate Housewives," "Grey's Anatomy," "Will & Grace," and "The New Adventures of Old Christine," to name but a very few. Maybe Aniston will have to do a David Caruso and return to her small-screen roots.

Let us know what you think.

By Stephen Humphries

In the trailer for "Casino Royale," the new 007 movie, James Bond gets a performance review from his boss. "Any thug can kill. I want you to take your ego out of the equation," says M, played by Dame Judi Dench in full school-headmistress mode. "I knew it was too early to promote you."  Smackdown!

I must admit that the film tops my must-see list for 2006, and am curious to see the fair-haired Daniel Craig starring as James Bond. Given the public backlash against the blond Craig - whose sole qualification for the job seems to be that he has a British accent and can wear a tuxedo - I expect that I'll be the only person in the country lining up for a ticket to see it. (My wife, who only married me because Pierce Brosnan wasn't available, couldn't be less interested in seeing the film now that Brosnan has departed the series.)

The trailer to "Casino Royale" hints that it could be the best movie in series since "License to Kill," the last 007 entry to leave this long-time Bond afficionado shaken and stirred. While Pierce Brosnan was a fantastic 007, maybe the second best ever, his character was as shallow as a martini glass. Craig, who has flashed his acting chops in "Munich" and "Layer Cake," promises to make Bond more of a rugged, lethal, conflicted character - in short, more interesting - much like he was in the original Ian Fleming books that I devoured as a teen.

Speaking of the novels, "Casino Royale" is the first Bond movie since the 1980s to be based on Fleming source material (Eon productions only recently acquired the rights to "Royale"), and its gritty storyline may be just right to lure audiences who loved "The Bourne Identity" and "The Bourne Supremacy." The Bond producers have promised radical changes in the past but they were half-hearted attempts that reverted to the formula of the flamboyant Roger Moore years. This time, they're serious. They've even ditched Q and all the gadgets. And the pre-credits sequence will be shot in black and white.

Of course, the film could bomb just like "License to Kill," the Timothy Dalton film that also tried to introduce a harder-edged spy, and the public will clamor for someone like Orlando Bloom to take over the role. Sigh.

by Stephen Humphries

Every year when I go to ShoWest in Las Vegas, the waves of astonishingly cheerful, outgoing, hand-pumping theater owners swarming through Bally's and Paris (the host hotels) remind me that these people think of themselves as being in showbiz. It's easy to forget that all those theaters, even the big multiplexes, are still run by folks just regular folk. Every year they get together to give each other big awards for putting on the best lobby display or the best local marketing campaign for a film. So remember that next time you have a complaint about some problem with their theater (like noisy cellphones) you'll be surprised how closely they listen.

The movie studios, both big and small, are keenly aware that these guys are the gatekeepers to the moviegoing public. The studios come to Vegas ready to court and flatter some 6,000 movie theater owners from all over the US and abroad. They hand out cool hats and goody bags and most important for the small studios, they preview the films they think either have a good chance of being hits such as last year's "Crash" or small films they don't want the theaters to overlook. This year, among a number of films, the standout preview was the next film from legendary filmmaker Robert Altman called "Prairie Home Companion." Buzz swirled around this valentine to the Garrison Keillor radio program, so keep an eye on it. Next year, Altman may finally win the Oscar he was awarded on an honorary basis this year.

By Gloria Goodale

Last week we posed this question to our readers: How would you fix the theater-going experience? Boy, did we get an earful.

The background: For three years in a row, movie attendance has dropped, last year by nearly 9 percent. While some of this can be attributed to poor films (we'll save that topic for another day) and the rabbit-like proliferation of Netflix, going to the cinema these days feels like a sequel to "Scary Movie": Ticket and concession prices are sky high, talking during the movies has hit new decibel levels, and finding a seat on opening night is like negotiating a rugby scrum. Even the Monitor's movie critic agrees.

Next week, our entertainment writer, Gloria Goodale, will be attending ShoWest, the annual meeting of US theater owners. We thought it would be enlightening to bring them your comments/questions/suggestions to see how they might improve things. (Hire bouncers to eject the chatterboxes?) Here is some of what you had to say. We'll let you know the owners' responses in a future Monitor story.

The best thing that theater-owners can do is to take back control of their theaters. As it is, managers make little or no effort anymore to control the behavior of the audiences - which means that the movie-going experience deteriorates more every year. Cellphone use during the movie, yelling, talking, screaming infants, and out-of-control teens (and sometimes all of these at once in the same theater!) should not be tolerated. I used to go to the movies one to three times per week. In the past two years that has dwindled to once every couple of months. I can enjoy films far more if I just wait a couple of months until the DVD release and watch them on my big screen in peace.
– Susan Umpleby, Ontario, Calif.

How about these:

1. During the previews, enable voting. Show all possible previews and let viewers choose what looks interesting. Voting could take place by cellphone or special phones inside the theater.
2. Sell an appetizing dinner. Ask fast-food vendors to establish satellite stores in your foyer. Set up tables and chairs, or counters and chairs, and allow folks to enter 20 minutes before the show starts so they can finish eating during the previews and then settle back to enjoy the movie.
3. Alternatively, for those theaters in malls or near good restaurants, simply charge folks a low import tax to bring food in.
4. Provide mandatory courtesy training for all employees.
5. Make theaters available for private screenings of any movie during slack times. Allow smaller or local filmmakers the opportunity to screen their latest work during a slack time. Help them promote the showing.
6. Host a film-lovers club. Give them a theater to meet in monthly.

– Nathan Smith, Komono, Japan

Some ideas from the top of my head:

1. Family Night: Parent(s) pay full and kids pay $1.00 up to a set number.
2. Couples night: Buy one full-price ticket, second is 1/2 price.
3. Grandparent/seniors special: Bring two or more paying kids and grandparents get in free.
4. Group night: Groups of seven or more pay 1/2-price.

– Jim Dilling, Pennsylvania

I have to bring ear plugs to get through the previews and trailers before the feature. I have had people tell me they don't attend movies any more because of the volume.
– Elizabeth Tang, Anaheim, Calif.

More self-service ticket machines, open when the regular box office isn't. Give a discount for using them instead of the live vendor, or for buying well in advance. Make the tickets available more in advance, for that matter.
– Manny Olds, Silver Springs, Md.

1. Remove commercials from the beginning of the movies. I'm already paying a high price to get into the movie and completely insane prices for the snacks and pop. For what reason do they need to put in commercials?
2. Cellphone jammers.
3. Assigned seating.

– Derek, Canada

As digital movie distribution continues to make progress, the ability to manage the number of screens in a theater complex becomes easier. Local management of complexes should be allowed to adjust the number of screens and times showing well-attended films vs. declining films or special-interest films.
– Arthur Knadler, Santa Ana, Calif.

Bring back the old "double billing. Just think of showing the original Boris Karloff Frankenstein before a modern version. (Slight intermission between, of course.) Plus this could generate additional income for the studios and the theater if the old movie was sold on DVD in the lobby after the show.
– Stan Wood, Norfolk, Va.

The projection quality control is very poor. Put more money into projection quality, both image and sound.
- Scott McGraw, Centerville, Mass.

Theaters should go upscale to justify the soaring price of tickets. They should consider offering more options at the concession stands - items like cappuccino, pizza, brats, burgers, gourmet popcorn (like caramel and cinnamon), ice cream, etc. They should go back to having ushers who patrol the aisles and boot out raucous children or patrons immediately.
- Cindy Sheltmire

Sell something besides grease and sugar at the concession stand. Plain club soda, oil-free popcorn, candy without hardened oils would be a good start. Teach customer-service skills to the staff. How about a simple "thank you" at the sales counter? Routine maintenance. Fix the seats that are broken. Wash the restrooms occasionally. Stock paper towels.
- Kevin O'Brien, New Castle, Colo.

Why must quality movies run on one screen and for such a brief amount of time? The adult, college-educated professional with a spouse and two kids that would like see these films cannot just drop everything and head off to the cinema. I understand that these movies don't draw the revenue of yet another "American Pie," but the industry is growing an entire generation of mothers and fathers who, in turn, will teach their children that the movies are not a place to spend their time or money. Give theaters incentives to block out one or two screens on a slow night, like a Tuesday, and run "grown-up" films that are still showing in the cities.
- Chris Pons, Kingston, Penn.

Start the movie on time. If it's 7:30 let it be 7:30 and not the time that you start running 10 minutes of commercials before the feature starts. Become a place again where a men, women, kids and family will want to go and stay the day instead of feeling like a herd of cattle being fed on one movie and then herd them out after it is over.
- Jomo Uhuru-Adafo, Nashville, Tenn.

When I was younger my family frequented two theaters. One had matinee prices on Monday nights, one had matinee prices on Tuesday nights. We definitely utilized them, and I still would if that were an option, because I just can't afford as many movies as I would like right now. 
– Chelsea Kearns, Seattle, Wash.

Instead of competing with NetFlix, TV, the Internet, and video games, which tend to be solitary or family experiences, theaters should target schools, community groups, and local companies that want to see special screenings. Attendees should be able to book screen times and seating by Internet or cellphones. Make theaters more of a social place celebrating holidays, rites of passage and big events.
- Sheridan Tatsuno, Santa Cruz, Calif.

Theaters could increase attendance by adding childcare facilities at the larger complexes.
– Mirth White, Mammoth Lakes, Calif.

Perhaps movies should offer the salon atmosphere where you could sit relax and talk about the film you saw or will see. Have a lingering atmosphere. A gathering place for coffee and dessert after the show. More of an exchange atmosphere.
– Barbara, Port Washington, N.Y.

Stephen Humphries and David S. Hauck